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Monday, May 08, 2006

For Sale By Owner

An advertisement for people in the Cities who think they have it all.

For Sale by Owner

2bdrm/2bath with 1200sq ft shop. $5 million, take it or leave it. Listed exclusively in the SF Bay Area, because you are the only ones dumb enough to pay it.

House is perched above the Pit River in Fall River Mills, Ca. looking over an unobstructed view of the Knoch Ranch on the eastern side of The Fall River Valley. A view costing ten times what I paid for it, but fifty times better than yours.

Mature trees dot the property and small fruit trees are just beginning to produce. The Pit river is a major flyway for geese, ducks, hawks and eagles, with the occasional pelican or cormorant, possessing a brain the size of a walnut, are smarter than you cesspool dwellers from the City.

Fall River may not have 4 star restaurants, or concierges at the hotels, but we have don’t have panhandlers, towel head taxi drivers or homeless shelters either. Our civic leaders mostly stay huddled in Redding, about 70 miles away and generally show up only for parades and votes. And while they think they govern us, our local population is what makes us work, unlike you idiots who have your mayor and his cronies micro-manage your every move, while you import your dishwashers, maids, and other assorted mandatory maintenance personnel from Modesto.

View includes a meandering oxbow in the river, which rivals anything you have to brag about down there. And when you have a water shortage, I routinely piss in the river with my neighbors, so your hired help from Sacramento will have something to wash their toothbrushes in. Our cattle, rice and berry farms produce food, so you ditwads won’t starve, while our groceries come to our local market from Freemont. Go figure.

We don’t care who you are or who your daddy is. But if you chose to come here, leave your ego, attitude and city ways behind, because they won’t buy jack here. No, it won’t appraise anywhere near the asking price. But it is worth far more than where your sorry ass lives now.

Contact the Dumbplumber, 1-800-GOT-OURS

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