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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Winning Big

With the latest blockbuster $640 million dollar Mega Millions lotto, perhaps it is time to revisit Dumbplumber’s take on playing the lottery.

Dumbplumber plays the California Lottery. Yes I know, only stupid poor people play, only the irresponsible play, it’s a tax on the poor, yada, yada.

Well people let me inform you. I know I won’t win. I know the odds are more likely that I will be killed by a shark, even though I never go in the ocean. And I know that in most cases, those that win, end up broke, miserable and disillusioned, if not in themselves, their friends, neighbors and family. I also know it is the cheapest therapy you can buy without winning. Let me explain.

When most people buy a Lotto ticket, they check the numbers immediately. Wrong. Dumbplumber doesn’t check his numbers for weeks or months. Because once you have checked the numbers, you are an instant loser. Dumbplumber prefers to hang on to those tickets until he can no longer sit on his wallet. He prefers to dream of what he could do if he had a once in a lifetime windfall. No, it isn’t all about having stuff.

He fantasizes about all the folks he would support and disappoint, if he were to hit the big one, all the investment gurus he would show the door, all the shirt tail relatives he would send packing, all the long lost friends looking for a bailout, not to mention an army of complete strangers wandering on his property with wish lists from business propositions all the way down to flat out cash donations. Ah, the very thought of pissing off insufferable dirtballs just warms the cockles of his heart.

No, Dumbplumber has discovered that the endorphins released from these fantasies are far cheaper and way more effective than any visit to a counselor or Psychiatrist. Yes folks, that one dollar ticket, unchecked, will replace weeks of psychotherapy at $150 per hour. And the best part is, it only costs a dollar to find out. Beat that on late night T.V..



Thursday, March 29, 2012

My Twofer

For the first time, Dumbplumber is going to put to rest two issues at the same time. The issues are neither complex nor complicated, they are really quite simple made complicated by lawyers and politicians.

First issue: Affordable healthcare.   Neither Obamacare, Medicare or Medicaid will make health care affordable. They all shift the high costs of healthcare onto either other policy holders or taxpayers. See, that wasn’t too complicated, now was it?

You want to lower the cost of healthcare, take the lawyers out of medicine. I don’t mean independent counsel to make court appearances and submit patents and briefs. I mean ambulance chasers, medical malpractice specialists and prescription drug vultures trolling for a random side effect.

I’m talking about ending the epidemic of product liability buzzards that circle testing facilities, laboratories and hospitals from coast to coast, sniffing out disgruntled patients, simpering spouses and entire families of malcontents, unhappy that their loved one’s heart surgery went bad after the patient spent his entire life boozing, snorting and gorging himself with junk food, during his dry spells.

End this madness, then get back to me for more.

Second: Paying taxes.Not a day goes by that some overpaid, high powered talking head doesn’t condemn the 40% of American workers that pay no Federal Income Tax.

Well Buckos, first I didn’t write the tax code.

And Second: With all the assorted hidden and onerous taxes I pay on my gasoline, tires, telephone, cell phone, cable and utilities bills, not to mention the hundreds of permits, fees, duties, dues, levies, tithes and tolls, I would suggest that I pay a much higher percentage of my income on these taxes than all the talking heads pay Income Taxes on theirs.

Dumbplumber has done his job, now you can do yours.


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dumbplumber Rule

If the Supreme Court wants to something meaningful, they might institute this new Rule at the Court. This will forthwith be known as the Dumbplumber Rule. It goes like this:

If those that voted for a law cannot get at least 5 out of 10 answers to questions made from within the law, then the law becomes un-Constitutional. Period. End of Subject. Case dismissed.

Going Commi

It is now being touted that Mr. Obama “never knew” the depths of America’s economy until after he took office in January ‘09. Apparently, despite daily newspaper reports: He didn’t know the housing market was going in the dumper, he didn’t know that gas prices were just coming off the highest prices ever posted, he didn’t know that the stock market was being hammered by hucksters, investment bankers and assorted hedge funders betting on America’s failures and he didn’t know that the economy was in the midst of shedding about 6 million jobs. Apparently he was so busy campaigning, he missed all this and more.

And now that he has had 3 years (two with Dems controlling both houses) to weave his magic, ‘The One’ has driven us $5 trillion deeper in the hole, crammed ObamaCare down our throats (another $2 trillion over ten years), doubled down on regulations, thrown hundreds of billions down the drain on green energy and packed his Cabinet and ‘Czar Bus’ with dozens of Communists, Fascists and Marxists. What could possibly go wrong?

Things were so bad in America, der Leader had to go on 90 golf outings, 7 vacations and fly several times to New York and Chicago for ribs and pizza. Nevermind the flights half way across country to sign documents sent on a separate plane and flying his wife and dog in separate planes, because he would be leaving a few hours later. (Quite frankly, I would have done the same. Think trapped in an aluminum tube with Michelle, yuck).

Back at home, Liberals were made busy, NOT adopting a budget (going on 3 years now) passing Continuing Resolutions, which allowed government to continue spending and the mother of all abdications, raising the debt limit every time they and Obama ran out of cash.

And what has Obama accomplished? Well other than shoving ObamaCare up our keisters, he has thrown hundreds of billions away on failed green energies (thank goodness they were headed by his campaign bundlers), given away our military secrets to Russia and flown around the world apologizing for every great thing America stands for. Other than that, his golfing, vacations and the $250k pizza runs there wasn’t much time for anything else. And he still has a 49% approval rating, go figure.

We are So Screwed

Re-branding Message

Dumbplumber has just about had it with all this “brokered convention” BS. Seems that almost every “dinosaur” political hack is poo-pooing the notion because there just isn’t enough time to alert the masses of your message before election day…..2 months after the Convention.

Okay, well then let me ask you how many days did it take every American (nevermind the rest of the world) to learn the JFK had been assassinated? How many days did it take us to learn that Pearl Harbor had been bombed, Martin Luther King had been assassinated, or Elvis had died? Yeah, about two, but who‘s counting.


Now we all know that the MSM (Main Stream Media) will never cover that story. So what we have to do is repackage it like the Dems do every devastating bill they shove through Congress. I particularly like the “Affordable Healthcare for America Act” aka ObamaCare.

I like it because it ain’t Affordable, it ain’t for Healthcare (it’s for control) and it sure as Hell ain’t American. That would make it the trifecta of deception. But it sure as Hell got passed (without reading it first) and now faces the glacial scrutiny of the U.S. Supreme Court. But I digress.

Re-branding of a Conservative message is essential if America is to survive as a responsible, Constitutional Republic. So Dumbplumber has an idea.

Conservatives need to break out 3 messages to grab the attention of at least 99% of America. “America to go Commi”, will get one third of America. “The Last episode of Wheel of Fortune” will get another third and “Cast of Jersey Shore killed in Car Crash” will get the rest. Of course, after the opening scene, we only need to pander to their sense of survival, which should be real easy, since the road we are on is cannot be justified.

My only suggestion is that you take the opening credits of Elmer Gantry to heart. “What you are about to witness should not be seen by impressionable children”. We are so Screwed.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Conning of Bruce

This is one of those moments I live for.  A local newspaper editor lambasts Conservatives for believing and forwarding the notion that President Obama is an illigitimate leader.

This is my response:

If ever there were a man who has staked his political credibility upon an enigma, it is Bruce Ross. I may go to my grave always wondering why someone who has shown occasional insight, casual curiosity and the odd stroke of genius, would hang his journalistic credibility on the likes of Barack Hussein Obama Jr.

History will one day write that Obama is the only president, in the history of presidents, whose entire biography (Dreams from my Father) was provided to a nation prior to an election, but a majority voted for him anyway. It may be one of those moments when manufactured image, rhetoric and good ole fashion political BS trumped the written word, logic, and reason, common sense be damned.

What Obama lacked in credibility, and authenticity, he more than made up with ‘cool‘, mellow and slick. And since it served him so well between being the president of Harvard Law Review, Community Organizer and then State Senator, why trash a good thing? Nevermind that none of these positions reveal anything but, lack of commitment, broken promises and voting ‘present’. But this isn’t about Barack as much as it is about Bruce.

You see, I don’t recall Bruce sharing his outrage, when Bush 43 was being hounded for his National Guard records, driving record or colonoscopy film. I don’t recall his condemning Dan Rather when Rather accepted faked Bush military documents from a Lefty nut-bag Bush hater in Texas. So you will pardon me for questioning Bruce’s selective outrage….. now.

No my friends, what Bruce lacks in objectivity, curiosity and journalistic integrity, he more than makes up for with arrogance and contempt for those of us who have already met ‘con-men‘, swindlers and ‘carnival barkers‘. So you really can’t blame Mr. Ross if he doesn’t have a lot of life’s experiences. 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Elitist Confusion

This post was sent to Redding Searchlight blogs that Bruce Ross (editor) posted today. It concerns an article from Forbes magazine about the rural populations take on Green or Environmental issues as opposed to the urban and suburban take.

This is my response:  It might be informative to illustrate what the rural areas mean to America. It means: Food, energy, minerals, recreation, timber and every other commodity necessary to live in the cities and suburbs. So to characterize us folks as insensitive to “green” or environmental causes is just stupid. We live here and we don’t want to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.

To be clear, most of the companies that plunder and monopolize the assets and resources of the rural areas are owned, by virtue of stocks, by those nice politically correct folks living in the high rent districts from Nob Hill to Manhattan. And that includes the giant corporate farms in middle America. However, the folks that work for these folks live in the rural areas.
So we need to get the seating assignment straight before we start eating the guests.

Now to be clear, intelligence aside, what rural folks lack in a Harvard education, they more than make up for with common sense, rationality and basic survival instincts. Ergo, you don’t see rural folks driving their families in a snow storm on dirt roads around a closed interstate, and end up in a snow bank, losing their appendages to frostbite.

We also know that when the economic roof collapses, we will fish, hunt and barter for necessities with our neighbors to survive, even if we have to bury a few Fish and Game cops naïve enough to believe food is not a necessity.

We also know that we are but tools for corporate greed, the necessary evil between cost and profit and seasonal providers of essential services. Spring, Summer and early Fall rural folks are the Urbanite’s best friends. But when the first snowflake falls, they forget us like a crazy uncle at Christmas Card time.

That we don’t get too caught up in the stereotypical BS, those of us in the rural areas, may have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night. So when we see articles where those really smart, high paid Forbes columnists characterizing us as rural or urban, you will forgive us when we say, “We are still Americans”, and we are smart enough not to take our resources for granted and are definately smart enough not to move to the Burbs or the cities.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Bashing Hope

In her zeal to propel Mitt Romney into the White House, Ann Coulter has taken more than a few liberties, with our Liberties.

First, she decided that Mittens was her man for 2012. Second, she thusly proclaims all other candidates and potential candidates either irrelevant or unelectable. Third, she forgets that while she can command audiences larger than Obama at certain events, neither her or Obama together can generate an audience or enthusiasm anywhere near Sarah Palin‘s numbers, whom she dismisses as a charlatan.

I would remind Ms. Coulter that other than the three clowns remaining in the race, her “Boy God”, Romney, never uttered a peep about ballooning government, excessive debt or defending the Constitution in his run-up to being a candidate. As I recall, Romney’s claim to fame is reducing regulations and cutting taxes, as if we don’t need to shut down entire agencies, means test entitlements and privatize services that public employees have made exorbitant. In addition, his RomneyCare is the blueprint for ObamaCare which at last date will double in cost from earlier predictions.

If there is to be a charlatan, I would suggest that Ann take a closer look at her chosen candidate before she throws another 4” heel at a real reformer, with a history of reform, prosecution and incarceration of those threatening her beloved Alaska. Since both Palin and Romney are both former governors, I would ask Mittens exactly how many corrupt bureaucrats, corporate pirates or shady political hacks HE has put in jail in one of the most corrupt states in America, Massachusetts, the land of Kennedys.

Moreover, now that we are calling political opponents names, why don’t we call all the remaining candidates what they are, political hacks, bench warming stooges and, except for the perennial tin foil hat wearing Ron Paul, all a bunch of good ole boy losers who have actively participated in bringing America to its knees.

No sir, If you want snarkey, rapid fire, misapplied logic, Ms. Coulter is your resident dishwater blonde. However, if you want to wake up after November, with any hope at all, you had better take another look at the only reformer in the house.  

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

American Terrorism

Today’s big story is whether it is legal to kill Americans overseas, if they are believed to be involved with terrorism. Also a good way to NOT talk about our Socialist in Chief.

Well Barney, what if we take that notion back a notch or two and target Americans that are destroying America, from within, Americans who are skirting the Constitution with un-Constitutional regulations, with un-Constitutional judicial decisions and un-Constitutional mandates, circumventing Congress?

It could even be argued that domestic efforts to destroy America are a far more dangerous threat to our existence than a bunch of mutton munching, cave dwelling towel heads, dodging drones in Yemen.

Yes my Freedom and Liberty loving friends. Since before FDR, America and the notion of Patriotism have been under assault by socialists, progressives and fascist loving Liberals. And not that I am keeping score, but it looks like with $16 trillion in debt, $100 trillion in unfunded obligations, (much owed to folks that have been ‘paying their fair share), and $2 trillion dollar deficits as far as the eye can see, the Progressives are quite obviously winning.

So you will forgive me if I conclude that a bunch of camel jockeys in Waziristan ain’t the biggest threat on our plate today, or tomorrow either.

In fact, with China as our banker, Russia breathing down our necks over Iran and North Korea playing us like a fiddle, our least concerns should be a bunch of Neanderthals who spend more time with their asses in the air praying to their mythical ‘god’ than they do with personal hygiene.

Meanwhile, except for the godfather of Romneycare, we have a clown car full of politicians who have been warming seats in Congress for decades without presenting one Bill to shrink government, command personal responsibility or demand adherence to our Constitution. But NOW they are the saviors on the White Horse. Yeah, good luck with that.

To answer the obvious question: Should we assassinate those destroying America from within? Just ask yourself this question. If your house is starting to burn, do you put it out immediately or wait till the next election?

We are So Screwed Dumbplumber

Sunday, March 04, 2012

A Time for Apologizing

Folks, Hell has frozen over. Rush Limbaugh apologized for a recent spate of unfortunate words and phrases that characterized a slut as well…..a slut.

Yes people, when someone goes to Capitol Hill to lay out their wish list of entitlements, you would expect, food, temporary shelter, clothing, critical healthcare and maybe some temporary cash to get by until another job develops.

But in my wildest dreams I never expected some self indulgent nymphomaniac demand that I pay for her birth control, while she crams (sorry for the poor form) for her Bar Exam, nevermind that birth control costs anywhere from $11 to $20 bucks per month and if you are indigent, it’s free. In legal speak it’s referred to as ‘pro bono’.  But in this case it appears to be pro boner or pro hummer. Long gone, apparently, are the days that a refined lady spoke of her sexual dalliances, much less than sit before a microphone and confess to millions her extraordinary libido exercises.

If Rush is guilty of anything is he kept his “slut” mantra going for a day or two longer than necessary. He should have instead called out all the other sluts and “Schleekmeisters” for their unfettered, unbridled romps in the feathers, then demanding that taxpayers subsidize their debauchery with unlimited birth control and STD remedies. God people, have you no shame?

So profound was the Liberal outrage, it set RINOs back on their heals. The calls for Rush’s head were so legion that hypocrite RINOs lined up to demand an apology. Then along comes Obama. Not one to fritter away an opportunity to NOT do his job, Barack telephones the aggrieved slut and extends his sincere (stop for gag reflex) apologies on Rush’s behalf. Yeah, like Rush needs Barack’s help.

On the other hand apologies from Obama are countless, except for the ones he should have made. Apologies to a Saudi King no. Apologies to Americans yes. Apologies to Europe, Southeast Asia, South America, NO. Apologies to our military, our Patriots and our Economic Engine, Yes. And most of all apologies to the Tea Party (he called them tea baggers), most definitely.

We are so Screwed. Dumbplumber