Dear Dr. Carson:
Having received your solicitation for money disguised as a survey of my opinions, I was floored by your cover letter.
The Letterhead startled me first: “Renowned Pediatric Neurosurgeon”. But it didn’t hold a candle to the opening greeting: “You may recognize me as a world famous doctor”.
Reading that opening in the seat of my truck, I nearly blew Diet Pepsi out my nose. Jesus H. Crist, who writes this shit?
Then it all started to hit me. The Dumbplumber isn’t necessarily a world famous plumber. He isn’t even a State, County or City famous plumber, but he knows more about medicine than this arrogant grunt knows about plumbing. In fact, this plumber knows that if Dr. Carson had the voice of James Earl Jones, instead of Pee Wee Herman or Gomer Pyle, he would already be President.
The Dumbplumber also knows that if Americans ate balanced meals, stopped smoking, drank alcohol only in moderation, exercised regularly, got adequate sleep and refrained from taking illegal drugs, it would cut Medicaid and Medicare expenditures by over 30%, or over $100 billion a year. This has been confirmed by several doctors.
He also knows that if every citizen receiving taxpayer money, in any form, were obliged to take random drug tests, the consumption of illegal narcotics would plummet, driving the drug trade back into the nooks and crannies of society, instead of out on the boulevards.
And while the Dumbplumber would never consider himself a good source of medical advice, his experiences providing services to doctors, lawyers and stock brokers, leaves him to believe all these professions should avoid pipe wrenches at any cost.
In short, Dr. Carson, if you want something (like the White House) just say so. Camouflaging it as a poll, demeans your intentions.
Respectfully, The Dumbplumber