Immigration Euphemisms and A Solution

Illegal Immigrants. There I said it.

I didn’t say Immigrants. I didn’t say Migrant Workers. I didn’t say Undocumented Workers. I didn’t say Oppressed Masses just looking for a better life. I didn’t say Seasonal Farm Workers. I said “Illegal Immigrants”, or if you prefer, “Illegal Aliens“.

Illegal Immigrants are anyone here without permission, without documentation, without invitation. They have no legal standing, not withstanding credit cards, library cards or utility bills. By definition, they are illegal, unable to drive, work (if work includes paying taxes) or secure mandated vehicle “liability” insurance or any other position or service that requires a “valid” identification and/or social security card.

Of course the banking community--never one to ignore an 800 lb. financial gorilla--moved to ignore traditional identification obligations and “legitimized” millions of Illegals by opening bank accounts and issuing credit cards with exorbitant interest rates. Now there’s a mixed message that only Tony Soprano could appreciate.

While Congress struggles with “Illegal” immigration, balancing obligations to special interests, constituents and those pesky Federal Immigration Laws, the Dumbplumber and every 6th grader in the U.S. has figured this out. The answers are as follows:

A) Build the Fence. If you can’t control the flow, the problems will just grow. If we won’t allow the Border Patrol do their job, send them home. There’s plenty of NRA members, Minutemen and Klanners ready to fill the breach.

B) Deport all incarcerated Aliens immediately, with the clear understanding that if they return, they will be sent to Joe Arpaio’s jail in Arizona. I hear his baloney sandwiches are real tasty.

C) Deny Entitlements to all Illegals. It’s past the time to stop the fiscal hemorrhaging. Supporters of Illegals can pay the medical, housing and education costs of Illegals through personal donations until they are caught and shipped out.

D) Make it a serious crime to hire an Illegal Alien. No exceptions for Rock Stars, CEO’s or self indulgent sympathizers. And I don’t want to hear whining about tracking false ID’s. WalMart can track over a billion transactions every day. Let them do it.

E) Giving safe haven to Illegals is, and should, be a crime. Cut off all utilities to Churches, sanctuaries and organizations that harbor Illegals. A few days without water, electricity, garbage collection and cable T.V. should make the underground railroad look and smell more like a cattle train than AmTrak.

F) If the farmers want seasonal workers, just ask. We can empty the Home Depot and Seven Eleven parking lots of Aliens. Then when the crops are in, they can go home. The line to citizenship starts back across the border, not across the street.

G) If Congress doesn’t understand the word “Illegal” then they will have to suspend a lot of laws. We might start with making it “legal” to not pay your taxes. Nothing gets a Politicians attention quite like NOT having somebody else’s money to spend.

There, that wasn’t so hard was it? The Dumbplumber and all sixth graders humbly submit these solutions to Congress, so that they can move on to other and more self-aggrandizing legislation.

Sincerely, The Dumbplumber.