Comes now the time for the Dumbplumber to wade where no king has waded before….politics. I have spent more hours than I should have listening to the relentless bullshit dished out by politicians, their staff and their sycophants. Under my realm the oral hemorrhaging will come to a complete and absolute halt….or there will be hell to pay.
Senators, Congresspersons and all the public servants below them, down to the lowly local representatives will hereafter cease the senseless doubletalk, pontificating and blathering from their pie holes.
First of all, they are all going to get pay cuts. I think about half of what they get now would be a good start, since they aren’t doing anything anyway when they are in session…. except spending money they don’t have. Next, they can start taking commercial flights, instead of military planes, to and from their home districts. Maybe they can use that quiet time to think of things that just might raise their approval ratings, that are hovering near 11% as I speak. The ongoing policy of buying votes with government handouts is going to stop. No more deficit spending unless we are being attacked or launching a pre-emptive strike to avoid attack.
You got a flood, fire, earthquake, tornado or hurricane-- tough-- suck it up. Prepare yourself with the appropriate insurance or get your neighbors to help you, like they do in the fly-over states when things go Dixie. The U.S. government isn’t a big cookie jar just looking for a party.
Next, we remove any rules of decorum that prohibit one politician from calling another one an A-hole. Since it takes one to know one, this should pretty well speak for itself. And while we’re at it, it will no longer be tolerated for one TV guest to speak over another, during an interview. It is not only poor form, but really annoys the Dumbplumber and his Queen.
And so as not to allow politicians to compound their failures, all campaigns will be truncated to one week before election time. You will either have to account for your past behavior some other way or witness your successor pull your pants down in seven days. Only about 15% of Americans vote now anyway, so you won’t notice the difference.
Besides, if more Americans took the time to vote on American Idol than voted in the last election, nothing about a six month or one year campaign is going to cure what ails us, that is unless the general election candidates agree to a WWF Cage Match Smack Down. Now that I would pay to see.
And finally, from day one forward “lobbyists” will be prohibited. “Lobbyist” is just another way to spell, money, graft, bribery and corruption. If congressmen want to know what their constituents need, all they need to do is read their mail, emails and answer their phone messages. If there is a reason we are where we are, we might consider the invasive and well healed lobbyists, who are lined up in the express lane outside congressional offices.
There is a reason the Founding Fathers crafted the Constitution the way they did. Time for us to get back to the basic rules that made us the great nation we are. Time to put the Ten Commandments back on government buildings, to remind those who removed them, just why 11% approval isn’t exactly rock star status. The Dumbplumber