At this stage of Dumbplumber’s life, it’s too early for a autobiography (like Justin Beiber or Snookie) and way too close to an obituary. So as second choice he will produce a list of his life lessons learned from the many occupations in which he has engaged. In no particular order, here goes Part One:
When repossessing a car from a violent debtor, who happens to park his car right next to his bedroom window, always turn off the radio before engaging the starter.
When selling Cadillacs, never underestimate the cash in the pockets of the guy wearing bibb overalls and driving a 1961 Chevy suburban.
If you decide to go to work in the woods, never let anyone convince you that you will never be so cold that you cannot unzip your fly.
If you happen to go to work as a parts man for GMC trucks, don’t ever fool yourself into believing that you will ever be good enough to supply the correct part for a “big green pickup that goes screech, screech“. You will need the make, model and serial number, no matter how young and cute the customer is.
If you ever get a job selling boat parts, you might brush up on local country music stars, because telling Merle Haggard and Buck Owens to, “go up front and get change for that hundred” is not what they want to hear.
If you ever become a choker setter in the woods, you might want to rethink telling your cat-skinner (a seasoned veteran of bar fights, tough times and suffering more than one young a-hole shooting off his mouth), to “get down off that machine and I’ll kick your ass”.
Don’t ever believe that those Big Horned beetles, you fumigated for, before you built a hand made burl wood coffee table, wouldn’t hatch their eggs and their young start eating up a house in New Jersey.
If you are a lowly handyman, you will soon discover that more than one licensed plumbing contractor has defied the law of, “crap runs down hill” and used force to trump gravity, right up and until, the drain was completely clogged.
Never party with your employees. Even though the officer said that he pulled me over in the company truck, “because you (I) were dragging 60 feet of fencing behind you”, I’m certain that 4 hours of pounding beers with staff was the cause.
When traveling 60 miles from your shop, always take a few extra items along on the truck, because you know the customer will say, “Jeesh, I forgot this, that and the other thing.
If you ever decide to smoke salmon or trout, don’t let the old dogs tell you that wet brine is the only way to go. I have a “Best of Show” for a dry brine trout hanging on my wall.
If you are ever tempted to cross the line with your new best friend, you barely know, never ask him if he is a cop and expect an honest answer.
It probably isn’t the best policy to repossess a pickup off of an Indian reservation. Not only is it illegal, you have to be one of the luckiest sons-a-bitches in the world to get away with it. Think high speed escape.
If you ever take a snake bite victim 60 miles over dirt mountain roads to the hospital, you might not drift around every turn. He will tell you later, the bite was the easy part, the ride nearly killed him.
If when plumbing, you ignore a double check of each joint for solder, you might keep a water extraction company on speed dial.
If ever you decide to repossess a Ford pickup in Rio Linda and not think the debtors best friend parked nearby wouldn’t destroy his own truck getting back the one you’re driving, you would be so wrong.
If you ever go to Nevada with one helper to bring back 5 repos and you don’t have a really good explanation how you brought them all back legally, don’t expect your boss to pay you.